Samantha Stanway

09/11/2012

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Events, Food & Beverage, Real Life Adventures, Seasonal

Whistler Cornucopia Drinking Game

Whenever someone says the word “sustainable”, drink.

Every time you meet someone who tells you they’re a Food Blogger, drink.

If you see Kurtis Kolt, throw your drink in his face and lick it off. (He’ll struggle, but you can overpower him.)

If you see a painted girl with body parts stuck to an ice sculpture, douse her with your drink until she can wriggle free.

If you encounter an “eco” anything, drink.

Whenever someone mentions being a “personal friend of the winemaker”, IMMEDIATELY try to work the Sled Dog Slaughter of 2010 into the conversation.

If someone describes themselves as a locavore, drink.

Every time someone asks a promo model “if they come with the wine,” drink.

Any mention of “these crazy new drinking and driving laws”, drink. (Then spit.)

Whenever someone tells you they’re “so stressed out from all this networking”, give them a drink. (But then secretly un-follow them on Twitter.)

If you meet a nice older gentleman and his daughter, but then realize she is his date, drink.

If someone mentions “time they spent at The Winery”, spin 360 degrees quickly, then face them again as if nothing happened. Repeat each time they mention said winery.

Whenever someone mentions pairings, drink.

The next time anyone refers to the Hospitality trade as “The Industry”, roll your eyes, then drink.

When someone loudly declares that they aren’t swallowing, immediately maw every canapé on your plate.

If anyone points out the tackiness of playing a drinking game at a festival dedicated to the finest food and beverages in Canada, FINISH YOUR DRINK.

Did I miss any? Join in the fun at #cornucopia2012.

(…and drive safe.)

Tagged araxis, cornucopia, crush gala, food, nature, restaurants, whistler, Wine

18/10/2012

3 Comments

Events, Fashion & Style, Real Life Adventures

The 68 Pound Challenge (Eco Fashion Week)

**Featured on EcoStyle Daily**

Q: 68 pounds is…

A) The average weight of a runway model.

B) The estimated weight of clothes every American throws away each year.

C) The weight of the starving sweatshop worker you’re fucking over when you buy all those $5.00 SIRENS shirts and throw them away every year.

If you guessed any of the above, you were probably at Value Village’s Eco Fashion Show!

Samantha Stanway, Leather Goods Designer Lincoln Heller, Socialite/Talent Agent Pamela Wise

Now, when I hear “Value Village”, I think hipsters, cutlery that once belonged to dead people, and books with weird chocolatey-looking stains in them.

I am a terrible person.

Thankfully Myriam Laroche, the mastermind behind the 68 pound challenge, is not. Tonight she has challenged local designer Kim Cathers to sift through Value Village’s discard heap, select 68 pounds of fabric, and create 30 high fashion looks for the runway.

Although it is shocking to learn that people throw away 68 pounds of clothes every year, I still wasn’t convinced that tonight would be anything other than just another fashion show. Rifling through the swag bags provided at the door, I was relieved to find a mini bottle of Magic Moments vodka. I’d been slightly worried they were going to really commit to the partying-on-a-budget theme and give us tiny bottles of Listerine.

The show was about to begin, I quickly loaded up on vegan curry from a NoodleBox table en route to the runway. The tiny Asian boxes were an adorable touch, fit nicely in my pockets, and will definitely get this article more traffic in search engines.

Usually when I go to fashion shows, I like to sit in the back so I can frotterize my date or play BuckHunter on my phone. For the first time ever, I found myself regretting it.

Check this out:

Photo: Dan Poh

Possible curtains from elderly East Indian woman’s home get a sexy new life. (Photo: Dan Poh)

Due to the high-end nature of the show, I was sure it would be half-assed “vintage” garments obviously augumented with pieces from the stylist’s collection. Nope! Everything was 100% REJECT FABRIC. Couldn’t have been more authentic if there was a Hobo Meat Fight at halftime.

The Dress Formerly Known As Garbage. (Photo: Dan Poh)

Previous Owner: Recently Deceased Circus Clown
Verdict: HOT.

Seeing what this talented woman could do with rags has me burning with shame for every cheap dress I wore out once, then tossed because something filthy happened to it. People like me are why 90 million pounds of clothing end up in landfills every year.

Rather than wallow in regret about for my irresponsible ways, I decided to drink until I forgot them. The ensembles on the catwalk are so lovely, I am half-way through the tiny bottle of La Biosthetique shampoo in my gift bag before I realize it isn’t vodka.

Real Housewives of Vancouver star Mary Zilba walks in a skirt that may have originally been your uncle’s hunting tent. (Photo: Dan Poh)

Styling on a budget is the strongest indication of skill, and Kim Cathers smashed it out of the stadium.

Yes I was hiccuping soap bubbles in the middle of Robson Square. And I reeked of curry, because the tiny Asian boxes were leaking. But I felt enlightened. So instead of shedding my coat in the nearest dumpster and fleeing into the night, I sucked it up, headed home, and washed my coat to wear another day.

Thank you to Dan Poh for photos, Robson Square for hosting, and NoodleBox for the tiny Asian Boxes.

Don’t miss Lincoln Heller’s 1000th handbag release party Nov.3rd, 2012

Tagged ecofashion, fashion, fiveleft, kim cathers, magicmomentsvodka, mary zilba, recessionista, rhov, runway, style, thrift shopping

22/06/2012

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Nine-to-Fivin'

Party Planning Guide

Planning a party this summer?

Worried it might not be ethnically diverse enough?

Never fear. BC Liquor Stores have just release this handy pamphlet to answer all your questions!

Fig. 1: Not staged at all.

Like a lot of you out there, I used to just ballpark it.

“My friends are all fun, interesting people,” I used to think smugly, “So what if I invite two Korean people and they end up standing next to each other for a little while. No harm done, right?”

WRONG.

What if someone takes your picture standing beside them and puts it on Facebook? Next thing you know, your mom sees it and thinks you moved to Korea without telling her. She has a panic attack, tries to call you but you don’t pick up (because you’re having a party!). She spends the night looking at pictures of you when you were little and sobbing into her Cinnamon Toast Crunch.

Thank goodness BC Liquor Stores is on the case.

Fig. 2: a textbook-quality party. Guests smile at __ talking about soccer or something. They know the time to discuss their stereotypical pastime will come. (From left: basketball, acupuncture, exposing self in public parks)

Fig. 2: a textbook-quality party. Guests humour Antonio as he tells stories about soccer or something. They know the time to discuss their own racially typical passtime will come. (From left: basketball, acupuncture, exposing self in public parks)

There is a flip side. Some people are caucasian, but are ACTUALLY from other countries — Russians for example. On one hand, you want your party to be globally diverse, but if you have too many white people in your pictures, you look racist.

HOW DO YOU ENSURE THAT YOUR PARTY REPRESENTS THE RICH MOSAIC CULTURE OF WHICH CANADA IS SO PROUD?

A good rule of thumb is to balance out a superfluity of white folk with people who are extra ethnic looking. (See above)

Anybody sporting an Afro, poncho, traditional ceremonial robe, or Indian Chief Headdress will do.

[Only effective if the person wearing the headdress is actually First Nations.]

Mr. T is what is known among racially non-offensive event planners as a “Golden Chicken”. He is African-American, his hairstyle is a tribute to the Mandinku Tribe, his chains are African Gold AND he grew up poor.

Also, if you have the balls to invite Mr. T to your house, it’s proof you aren’t racist. (If you were, Mr. T would smell it on you and BEAT YOU DOWN.)

“Pity the fool who don’t RSVP”

If you still find yourself questioning whether or not you are a responsible party planner, do not fret. BC Liquor Stores have included a chart that narrows down how much of everything you need to the number. (I haven’t read it yet, but I hope it suggests numbers for Scandinavians.)

See: Fig. 3

Fig. 3: A responsible host thinks these things through.

For those who live in Gibsons, BC or somewhere else super white, matters get trickier. You can attempt to make your party look like less of a hate infused bigot-fest by playing ethnic music and serving international dishes like nachos. If all else fails? I guess just invite someone really, really gay.

I know that to a lot of you, these things are second nature. But with summer party season already upon us, you can’t be too careful.

Thank you, BC Liquor Stores! Enjoy Responsibly.

Tagged alcohol, BCLDB, BCLiquorStore, Canada, diversity, entertaining, event planning, Government, humour, Liquor, party, satire

18/06/2012

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Uncategorized

Sugar

“So… you’re a hooker now?”

“No, I’m a Sugar Baby! I meet rich guys on the Internet, then they take me on trips and buy me stuff.”

“Because you have sex with them.”

“Well, yeah.”

“I see.”

If you haven’t had this conversation yet, you will soon. Vancouver was just ranked among the top three cities in Canada for Sugar Daddy Dating.

Sugar relationships are nothing new. Rich men doting on beautiful women dates back to Japanese Geishas, the Courtesans of France, andthat Russian girl my neighbor used to keep chained up in his yard.

In 2005, Brandon Wade created SeekingArrangement.com. Wade billed his site as a place “where the attractive meet the affluent”. Finding well-heeled gentsto bankroll your drunken shopping sprees has never been easier!

At first, I was apprehensive. A man who pays your bills? That kicks years of feminism in the balls with a bare, pregnant foot.

Then one of my best friends started seeing a guy from the site. He turned out to be an Angel Investor.

This Sugar Daddy was in his late 30‘s and handsome. He didn’t have to use Seeking Arrangement to get girls. He could easily just pay ninjas to kidnap hot young women, bring them to his palatial mansion, then hire The Man They Call Reveen to hypnotize them into loving him. He was THAT loaded.

On their second date he pulled up in an orange Lamborghini and whisked her away to Harrison Hot Springs.

As I peered at them zooming away from our basement suite window, I got to thinking. Maybe this Sugar Daddy business is worth a shot?

QUIZ: “Is Sugar Daddy Dating right for me?”

Q: Do you hate working?

o Y o N

Q: Do you like eating at The Keg?

o Y o N

Q: Are you hot?

o Y o N

Well that settles it.

Besides, I go tanning and drink straight whiskey. My un-leathery days are numbered. To quote tens of thousands of tattoos: Carpé Diem.

The next day I got online with over one million other enterprising young strumpets. Time to find out what being a Sugar Baby was all about.

The breakdown of SeekingArrangement.com clientele goes something like this:

Girls: (Approximately 1,200,000 users)

40% Escorts

60% Students, waitresses, other girls who like money

Average Age: 24

Guys: (Approximately 300,000 users)

30% Businessmen with no time for relationships

20% The Idle Rich

35% Married dudes

15% ‘30k Millionaires’/Posers

Average Age: 45

Like everything cool on the Internet, Sugar Daddy dating is at risk of ruined by its own users.

Be up front about what you want. Won’t date a married guy? Say so. Not comfortable sipping Manhattans with an Armani-clad Cryptkeeper? Spell it out, woman.

It’s true: some folks liken Sugar dating to prostitution¹. In reality, Sugar relationships are a caricature of mainstream dating.

For instance, would your boyfriend still drive you to work and download shirtless vampire movies for you if you didn’t put out? No??? You whoring Jezebel!

footnote¹: data collected from 2011 survey of sex-hating people who dislike fun.

Prostitutes can’t spend hours sifting through photos to decide whom they see, either. (Actually I don’t know. Maybe the really fancy ones get to.)

The Ladies and I entertain ourselves for hours critiquing men’s profiles and judging their bathroom mirror iPhone shots. If that’s prostitution, then put me on the back page of The Georgia Strait and call me Trixie.

Yes. You are gold-digging. But just as there are dating services that cater specifically to farmers and people living with herpes… some folks are into that.

Unfortunately, things between my dear friend and Mr. Lamborghini didn’t work out. Just like dating in the real world, personalities don’t always mesh long-term. Get back on the (superficial, financially secure) horse.

At best, Sugar Daddy sites are the VIP Room of online dating. Avenues to meet mentors, lovers, and friends. At worst they’re a first-class ticket to Chopped-up-in-Dumpster-Town. Be safe and trust your gut.

Finally: you have to ask yourself if you’re willing to put your emotions in check and forfeit having a conventional relationship.

We at HUSH Magazine are higher thinking, worldly individuals. We watch TED Talks and drink beer from underprivileged countries. But there are people out there who will judge you. Are you prepared to have this experience become part of your life story?

If the answer is yes, then go to it. Keep an open mind because you may meet someone wonderful. (Or at least someone with a yacht/private jet/small island stocked with drifters that they hunt for sport.)

My sugar adventures were cut short by something so inconvenient as meeting the man of my dreams. He is super easygoing… but prefers I don’t keep company with wealthy strangers for cash.

And although he is a billionaire playboy who regularly travels by hot air balloon, we met the old fashioned way: Facebook.

Samantha Stanway is a Vancouver journalist, screenwriter, and Girl About Town.

This Father’s Day she plans to call her father “Dad” excessively so waiters don’t think she is a Sugar Baby.

Twitter: @theStanwayParty

www.samanthastanway.com

10/05/2012

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Food & Beverage, Real Life Adventures

The Two Pounder

Your best friend is head over heels for a man. How do you find out if he is a keeper or not?

You could hire a private eye, or go through his phone while he’s in the bathroom.

Or you could do what I did — and pit your bodies against nature in a gruesome eating contest!!!!

Enter: The Two Pounder.

TWO POUNDS of all beef patty stacked on three huge buns, 8 tomato slices piled atop each patty, a bucket of sautéed mushrooms, and enough cheddar cheese to constipate a full-grown Clydesdale. With toppings, it weighs almost 6 pounds.

Price: $25.00, but if you eat it all it’s free.

Pairing Suggestion: Sleeman’s Honey Brown, lack of Self-Respect

Riley Von, Samantha Stanway, Big Fucking Burgers

Riley Von, Samantha Stanway, Burgers

Before today, the only thing I knew about Riley Von – other than that he’s dating my best friend – is that he’s covered in Halloween-themed tattoos and has gold fangs. [See: above]

My girl is a catch and deserves a real man. Since I met her in high school we’ve been nude body paint models, surfed shark-infested waters in Hawaii, and gotten kicked off airplanes together.

This is why we have come to Two Parrots Grill & Perch.

The Biker Chick Manager approaches our table, her arms straining under the abominations we are about to shove into our bodies.

“Alright, here are the rules,” says Biker Chick, plunking down our burgers,”Anyone else touches your plate, you’re disqualified. You leave the table? Disqualified. You puke, disqualified. You get an hour to eat it. Good luck.”

And we’re off!

0:01 – First bite. Not bad! Average pub burger, heavy on the cheese. The mushrooms are probably the best part.

0:10 – Ex boyfriend’s friends come up to table to say hello. They are impressed.

0:11 – Riley forms a strategy: “It takes your body 30 minutes to realize it’s full. Eat as much as you possibly can before then. Eat the bun last. It will expand in your stomach.”

0:13 – We pile beef into our faces as fast as we can. Every now and then our eyes meet in steely determination.

0:15 – An old guy at the bar informs me that I am the 5th woman to have ever attempted this challenge since it started in 1999.

0:16 – Shots of Jack Daniels sent over by Biker Chick Manager. The old guy informs me that I am the 5th person the manager has bought a drink for* since the restaurant OPENED in 1997.

*The shots showed up on our tab.

0:25 – Starting to feel a little full.

0:33 – The Meat Sweats kick in. Hard.

0:34 – Homeless man watching through the window makes me feel like the Worlds Most Despicable Asshole.

0:36 – More shots of Jack Daniels.

0:40 – A group of Japanese tourists come up to our table. The majesty of the Two Pounder excites them beyond comprehension. “Oh so big!” They exclaim.

We are too weak to fight them off. Pictures are snapped. My sweaty beef face shines in the flashbulbs. I feel like a donkey painted like a zebra in a nightmarish Mexican sideshow.

0:45 – I have stretch marks on my arteries.

0:41 – The kid from Free Willy runs up to our table and raises his hand high up in the air. Nobody moves.

The boy looks at me, expectantly. The light and love and faith of a child gleaming in his eyes. He raises his hand even higher. I tell him to beat it.

The child is heartbroken and shuffles out of the bar.

0:42 – Realize that the boy from Free Willy is in his thirties now and what I saw was just a beef-fuelled hallucination.

0:46 – Riley looks across the table at me. It looks like he’s been shot with a tranquilizer dart. His eyes roll around in his head.

“Sam, I don’t think I can go on.”

I slowly rasp through the chewed up cheese and mushrooms in my mouth.

“We… HAVE to.”

At a certain point, your body just quits on you.

1:00 – Time runs out. I mash uselessly at the plate like a dying Tyrannosaurus.

I would rather quit a lady than puke a hero.

At first, I am glum. The Biker Chick Manager grins as we fork over the cash for the Two Pounders. We failed.

But then I realize: over one intense hour of revolting gastronomic excess… I have bonded with my best friend’s new guy!

Riley Von is a gentleman and a lover and is okay in my book. Much like victims of abuse or genocide survivors, this man and I now have a bond of shared hardship that will span the duration of our lives.

Ugh. I don’t feel so well.

Have your own Two Pound experience. Photos or you’re lying! - http://www.twoparrots.ca

Epilogue: Riley Von was found puking in the alley behind Two Parrots Grill & Perch. Samantha Stanway wandered off into a public park moaning about “this not being good for The Baby.”

– Two Parrots Staff

Tagged Bars, Burgers, Dating, Friendship, Gluttony, Granville, Two Parrots, Vancouver, Whiskey

21/04/2012

7 Comments

Events, Food & Beverage

How to be a Tequila Superstar

(Featured in HUSH Magazine 10/18/2012)

Let the countdown begin…

Vancouver is having a Tequila Expo!

This week, I was invited to a media tasting for a sneak preview. The invitation promised there would be an expert present to answer all of my Tequila-related questions.

Tequila-related questions I’ve had in the past include: “whose toupee did I just wake up wearing?” and “why am I digging up this grave?”

Meaning I love tequila, but know nothing about it.

Thankfully, I have Eric Lorenz in my corner. Eric is a Tequila Aficionado out of Michigan. The man has a mind like a Mexican leg-hold trap. Anything you want to know about agave spirits, this Sharp Shooter will spout off faster than your iPhone 4. Plus he looks a bit like the guitar player from Pantera.

Today, Eric is teaching me how to be a Tequila Superstar!

This is NOTHING compared to the lineup for the May 12 Expo.

The bottles in front of me this evening are Tavi Anejo, Cabo Wabo Reposado, Uno Mas Anejo, Herradura Anejo, and Tavi Silver.

Eager to get sipping, I pounce on the huge bowl of limes on the bar. Eric looks at me like he just saw my leaked nudes: shocked and disgusted, yet mildly amused.

To a Tequila connoisseur, limes are completely acceptable — if you’re drinking Tijuana sewer-rat pee.

“With a high end tequila, you want to actually TASTE it,” explains Eric.

Makes sense. Perhaps the limes are placed there as a trap? A way of sussing out the muchachos from the niños.

Eric pours me a sample of Herradura Anejo.

“So.” I ask him, swirling my glass and trying to look like Bruce Wayne, “How do you tell a good tequila?”

“A good Tequila is one you enjoy drinking. But if by ‘good’, you mean ‘won’t give you a headache’, then the easy answer is one with 100% agave. If it doesn’t say it right on the bottle, it definitely isn’t 100% agave.”

Most people think an agave is a cactus. Turns out this is a bigger myth than the Chupacabre. Agave is actually a species of Mexican lily!

Photoshop work (c) Samantha Stanway 2012

“Tequila is required to have a minimum of 51% agave,” continues Eric, “Cheap tequila with less then 100% agave are full of fillers and fermentable sugars. Remember: Sugar equals Hangover.”

There’s a reason the morning after Cuervo Gold aches like a drunk tank frotterizing.

“Gold rarely means Good,” Eric agrees. “The gold tinge comes from caramel colouring. They put it in the cheap stuff to make it LOOK like it’s been aged.”

From Left: Manuel Otero, Samantha Stanway, Ron Orr

“Also,” Eric goes on, “just like its not ‘Champagne’ unless it’s from France, a product is only ‘Tequila’ if it’s made in Mexico. Otherwise? It’s Mescal.” (also spelled Mezcal)

I ponder this a second.

“So. Tequila, Mezcal, Mescal…” I dribble a little bit of Tavi Silver on myself, “Cut to the chase: which is the one that gets you high?”

Eric pours a taster of his own. His eyes stay fixed on the glass.

“None of them. People confuse mescal with mescaline, the drug that Hunter S. Thompson used to do. Mescaline comes from peyote, which actually IS a cactus.”

“Does the Tequila worm get you high?”

For a second I fear he is about to strangle me with his ponytail.

“First of all, the worm is found in mescal, not actual Tequila. And usually Value-Priced mescal at that. It doesn’t get you high either. But honestly, if you’re hammered enough to eat a worm, you may as well be.”

I thank Eric and stumble out the door in search of pizza.

Now I’m really looking forward to the Tequila Expo. Best of all: I’m not totally clueless any more! Although these are just snippets of the bigger picture, having a bit of knowledge feels awesome.

No longer will I associate Tequila with sunburnt white folk on vacay and amateur filmmakers coaxing Girls to Go Wild. Like any other high-end product, Tequila is an art.

Now get on out there and appreciate it!

Snag a ticket to the Vancouver International Tequila Expo on May 12th here.

Have a Tequila-related question for Eric? Want to pester him for corroding the world’s moral fibre with liquor? Connect with Eric Lorenz here.

Tagged Agave Spirits, alcohol, cocktails, Eric Lorenz, mescal, Mexico, party, Tequila, Tourism, Vancouver, Vancouver Tequila Expo

08/04/2012

2 Comments

Food & Beverage

Bottle Feature : The Big Take

Was lurking at a Tourism Vancouver Reception the other day. It was the 10th anniversary celebration of a local company called Tickets Tonight, plus they had snacks.

Apart from food pairings, I don’t drink much wine — unless it’s a bottle that blows my socks to Kansas. The old Gypsy lady I helped across the street that day must have been magic… because I found one of those bottles.

Enter Misconduct Winery’s Richard da Silva. The guy is built like the doorman at a blind tiger and chases prowlers around his property with a backhoe for fun. Misconduct was one of several Okanagan wines poured at the event, and Richard turned me on to some certifiably primo hooch.

The Big Take – ’09 Vintage

Winery: Noir stylings and rakish attitudes abound. Okanagan insiders are buzzing about Misconduct throwing some pretty notorious shindigs this summer. Good thing I kept my trashy flapper costume from two halloweens ago.

Visual: When you’re underage, you pretty much have to put up with whatever you get from the irresponsible uncle/homeless person bootlegging for you. (Bacardi Breezers, Peach Schnapps, 7-dollar white blends with picture of a cat on the bottle…)

Because our liquor laws are so stern, many people don’t develop taste until very late in the game. Sure, these laws help keep the youth uncorrupted (until they turn 19, go nuts, and drink themselves into a rape-coma), but it also stalls the process of becoming a discerning drinker. Europeans know their poison — they’ve been boozing since childhood.

One reason BC Wine labels are so flashy could be to lure in clueless new wine drinkers. It does my soul good to know that maybe, some 19 year old (or bearded 18 year old if it’s a private store) could stumble upon this wine due to its striking label.

Varietal: The Big Take is a blend of 45% Merlot, 30% Cabernet Sauvignon and 25% Cabernet Franc.

Pairing: The winemaker (an avid hunter) suggests this wine be paired with deep-fried turkey, wild game like Elk, venison, or the stoolies who narced on your Speakeasy.

Nose: Smells like a Cadillac after a heist. Smoky and sexy. The smoke is largely due to FrancBarrel-aging for 12 months. (French & American Oak)

Tasting: The almost bacon-ish smoke barely comes through at all in the taste. Up front we have chocolate, blueberry, and cassis. Prohibition-style, the real party’s in the back with a slightly spicy finish of chocolate.

You’ll want to shimmy ’til your garters break… Even if you’re all man.

13.9% alcohol. The Big Take retails for 24 bucks a pop at government stores.

Tagged Misconduct Winery, Okanagan, party, prohibition, Tourism, Vancouver, Wine

13/03/2012

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Food & Beverage, Real Life Adventures

Sausage Party

Usually I’m above competing with my siblings for Dad’s affection. Mainly because he loves us all in different ways, and also because I tricked him into admitting I’m his favorite when he was drunk.

Today is different.

Not only am I going all-out because it’s his birthday, but my article about being a nude model for a night is about to drop. I sincerely fear dying by his hand.

Time for nuclear measures: A bouquet made entirely of sausages!

Despite sounding like a colloquialism for a gaggle of rent boys, a sausage bouquet is an awesome gift. When it comes to Pleasing Your Man*, salty deli meats outdo all of Cosmo’s prostit-tricks. Even the ones that involve salty deli meats.

*WARNING: Give to boyfriends at your own risk. One glimpse of this protein-packed dynamo will have even the most untamable of stallions trying to wife your ass.

The best sausages in Vancouver are found on Granville Island at Dussa’s Ham & Cheese. Unfortunately, Granville Island can seem like a haunted orphanage combined with an Indiana Jones sequence… especially when you’ve been out all night drinking the night before.

Dragging my wretched carcass through the crowds, I consider scrapping the whole idea, then cowardly and expensively cabbing home. Wild Turkey-infused sweat is seeping from my matted hair that still smells like FreshSlice and strangers. I am fairly sure there is at least one amateur cellphone video being filmed of me. I look THAT haggard. Seconds before I just lay down on the floor of the market and let the crowd trample me, I remember why I’m doing this for: my dad.

Though sometimes I curse him for being hard to please, and for giving me my huge mannish shoulders, he is a wicked guy.

I push my hangover up to the sausage counter like a shopping cart full of pop cans. I can’t quit now. Spicy chorizo, Ukrainian Farmer’s sausage and the showpiece: Landjaegers. So many sausages. Wanting to share my scheme, (and assure the guy who works there that I don’t have a tapeworm) I pull out my crude napkin sketch of the sausage bouquet.

“Wow. You’re the best daughter ever!” says the sausage man.

I beam and hold back tears. Tears that reek of whiskey.

Back at my apartment, I spread my treasures on the counter and get to work. The next hour or so is spent arranging meats in flower-inspired ways on kebab skewers, and then sticking each one in a vase lined with boccacinis.

(Fun foodie fact: “Boccacini” means “little mouthfuls” in Italian!)

Next: mad dash to the bus stop with my masterpiece. It is breathtaking. A shifty-looking dog follows me for two blocks. Fortunately I get a seat, but the movements of the bus still make the wieners bob up and down like they’re at a German ElektroPop club.

People on board have lots of questions. The most common of them being “Can you eat that?”, “How much did it cost?” and “Are you single?” One older lady looks offended at first, but then I see her hiding a smile. You can’t help it, I think, They’re dancing with you.

I sit back on the bumpy bus with my swaying vase of franks and enjoy the ride. Just as I plan to enjoy coasting on the glory of the Sausage Bouquet for years to come.

Try making your own sausage art today! (And send me pictures.)

Pairing suggestion: CHIMAY Blue Label or Yukon Brewing’s Ice Fog IPA

Price: Around 45.00, plus skewers and vase.

Tagged beer, culinary art, food, Granville Island, sausage bouquet, Vancouver

17/02/2012

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Breaking News, Grandstanding