Samantha Stanway

Your best friend is head over heels for a man. How do you find out if he is a keeper or not?

You could hire a private eye, or go through his phone while he’s in the bathroom.

Or you could do what I did — and pit your bodies against nature in a gruesome eating contest!!!!

Enter: The Two Pounder.

TWO POUNDS of all beef patty stacked on three huge buns, 8 tomato slices piled atop each patty, a bucket of sautéed mushrooms, and enough cheddar cheese to constipate a full-grown Clydesdale. With toppings, it weighs almost 6 pounds.

Price: $25.00, but if you eat it all it’s free.

Pairing Suggestion: Sleeman’s Honey Brown, lack of Self-Respect

Before today, the only thing I knew about Riley Von – other than that he’s dating my best friend – is that he’s covered in Halloween-themed tattoos and has gold fangs. [See: above]

My girl is a catch and deserves a real man. Since I met her in high school we’ve been nude body paint models, surfed shark-infested waters in Hawaii, and gotten kicked off airplanes together.

This is why we have come to Two Parrots Grill & Perch.

The Biker Chick Manager approaches our table, her arms straining under the abominations we are about to shove into our bodies.

“Alright, here are the rules,” says Biker Chick, plunking down our burgers,”Anyone else touches your plate, you’re disqualified. You leave the table? Disqualified. You puke, disqualified. You get an hour to eat it. Good luck.”

And we’re off!

0:01 – First bite. Not bad! Average pub burger, heavy on the cheese. The mushrooms are probably the best part.

0:10 –  Ex boyfriend’s friends come up to table to say hello. They are impressed.

0:11 – Riley forms a strategy: “It takes your body 30 minutes to realize it’s full. Eat as much as you possibly can before then. Eat the bun last. It will expand in your stomach.” 

0:13 – We pile beef into our faces as fast as we can. Every now and then our eyes meet in steely determination.

0:15 – An old guy at the bar informs me that I am the 5th woman to have ever attempted this challenge since it started in 1999.

0:16 – Shots of Jack Daniels sent over by Biker Chick Manager. The old guy informs me that I am the 5th person the manager has bought a drink for* since the restaurant OPENED in 1997.

*The shots showed up on our tab.

0:25 – Starting to feel a little full.

0:33 – The Meat Sweats kick in. Hard.

0:34 – Homeless man watching through the window makes me feel like the Worlds Most Despicable Asshole.

0:36 – More shots of Jack Daniels.

0:40 – A group of Japanese tourists come up to our table. The majesty of the Two Pounder excites them beyond comprehension. “Oh so big!” They exclaim.

We are too weak to fight them off. Pictures are snapped. My sweaty beef face shines in the flashbulbs. I feel like a donkey painted like a zebra in a nightmarish Mexican sideshow.

0:45 – I have stretch marks on my arteries.

0:41 – The kid from Free Willy runs up to our table and raises his hand high up in the air. Nobody moves.

The boy looks at me, expectantly. The light and love and faith of a child gleaming in his eyes. He raises his hand even higher. I tell him to beat it.

The child is heartbroken and shuffles out of the bar.

0:42 – Realize that the boy from Free Willy is in his thirties now and what I saw was just a beef-fuelled hallucination.

0:46 – Riley looks across the table at me. It looks like he’s been shot with a tranquilizer dart. His eyes roll around in his head.

“Sam, I don’t think I can go on.”

I slowly rasp through the chewed up cheese and mushrooms in my mouth.

“We… HAVE to.”

At a certain point, your body just quits on you.

1:00 – Time runs out. I mash uselessly at the plate like a dying Tyrannosaurus.

At first, I am glum. The Biker Chick Manager grins as we fork over the cash for the Two Pounders. We failed.

But then I realize: over one intense hour of revolting gastronomic excess… I have bonded with my best friend’s new guy!

Riley Von is a gentleman and a lover and is okay in my book. Much like victims of abuse or genocide survivors, this man and I now have a bond of shared hardship that will span the duration of our lives.

Ugh. I don’t feel so well.

Have your own Two Pound experience. Photos or you’re lying!  -  http://www.twoparrots.ca

Epilogue: Riley Von was found puking in the alley behind Two Parrots Grill & Perch. Samantha Stanway wandered off into a public park moaning about “this not being good for The Baby.”

– Two Parrots Staff